When you find your voice.....

I want to write. I really do. I have forgotten how freeing it is, and how personal it can be.

A few weeks ago I stumbled upon a really old picture of me, that was taken right after I moved back to Jersey in 2005. A group of us are on the couch and I'm at the end, writing in my journal.

My Senior year in HS I left my mark as being voted "Best Writer" in our graduating class. Not because anyone read my writing, but because I was reading a book a day, and therefore they assumed that my writing kicked ass. There wasn't a category for "Best Reader".

I have to admit, that watching Sebastian struggle has really made me want to leave my mark on the world. And if I could get any semblance of thought together, I would write a book.

But what about? My son? Who would want to read about a mentally disabled 18-month old? My life? It's pretty boring, I wake up, go to work, come home, play OT/PT with my kid, put him to sleep, watch some TV and go to bed with my hubby. My life is pretty boring, and not intellectually stimulating. The most stimulation I get on a daily basis is running my evening analytics, then sending the report to my boss every day at 5pm.

My thoughts? Which ones! I have a thought every second of every day, but most of them don't make sense. One second they go from clipping coupons, to calling one of Seby's Doctors for a test result, to we are out of paper towels, and crap I totally forgot to bring my external hard drive full of music... God I hope Seby doesn't have a seizure today...

I used to be interesting, I swear! I used to be a dancer, and I used to teach dance. I also used to sing, and perform. I raced cars for a little while, drove 6speeds, and even owned a couple. I used to write really well, and used to even write some songs. I was a very creative person. I was also an artist, the starving kind! I even went to college for Museum Curation & Art History. But like everything else in life, College was expensive and time consuming. I lived on my own from age 17 to present, and had to have a full time job in order to survive. It is difficult to be a full time student and work full time. I've tried on many occasions since graduating HS to finish college. I think I have about a full semester in and still paying off $1,500.00 in student loans... but on the bright side my current job pays me over 40k, and yet that still isn't enough to pay all our bills and keep our heads above water.

So I have thought about what to do with my life that leaves a stance on the world. Who do I admire, and what are my opinions. But my thoughts usually come to an abrupt halt when I ask, "Who will care about my thoughts?"

Then you get married, and you become a parent. You begin to have thoughts an opinions and you slowly forget to ask "Who cares?"

Then you find out in a life changing moment, that your child has a genetic abnormality and it is irreversible.

And your world becomes quiet. You're the one that shuts up.

It takes months before you can open up to friends and family, but most of the time it's to scream. They don't understand what you're going through, or what your thoughts are, or why you're even thinking them. They call you selfish, ignorant, and an ill-competent mother because you should have "known better than to not be financially prepared to have a child with special needs."

You begin writing a list of "Things to never say to the parent of a child with special needs." And you want to tell THEM to SHUT UP!

That's when you find your voice again. Sometimes you'll sing, but most of the time you're screaming. You look at your 18-month old who has yet to say a single word and you think: someone's gotta tell them what it's like, kid!

Then your 18-month old looks up at you, and smiles.