Today I feel angry

Today I feel angry.

I feel angry for my son, because, well he can't feel anger. He doesn't know what anger is, and he may never know.

I feel angry that this happened to my son, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I feel angry that my son has to have test, after test, after test done to his poor little body, just to rule out possible complications on a long list of abnormal, environmental and congenital defects.

His poor little body has been through hell and back, and yet I see others whose children have had it worse. So who am I to complain?

I'm pissed. But not knowing who or what to be pissed at can make your day go by very very slowly and raise your blood pressure.

Am I pissed at myself for making my son sick? Am I pissed at Emanuel Syndrome for latching it's hell onto my child? Am I pissed at God, for giving me the beautiful yet extremely fragile little boy?

I don't know what or who I'm angry at, but I am furious.

I am angry that my son will never get married. And damnit NO, I am not being a pessimist. It is what it is. If I'm lucky my child will reach an equivalent emotional level as that of what, a 7 year old? Maybe? 7 year olds don't think about procreating. At 7 years old I was a wallflower afraid to talk to any boy because they all had cooties! I am tired of people telling me that there are all these advances in medicine so who knows what a few years from now may hold.

Really? Seriously? So you're telling me in the next few years there will be a cure for mental retardation and that my son will wake up completely normal. Wow, writing that makes ME sound like an idiot, and I am an extremely intelligent person. So imagine how that makes YOU sound.

If there isn't a cure for Cancer, Aids, Cerebral Palsy, Alzheimer's and many other diseases, syndromes, and deficiencies, what in the world would make you think that there would be a cure for a chromosomal abnormality that has about 200 documented cases.

I am angry that of all the people in all the world, my son, my only biological child, that I begged God for, and prayed for, and wanted and love more than anything on this planet (next to my husband) is the one that gets to live his life with Emanuel Syndrome.

I am angry that I will never know WHY. And I feel guilty that I am even asking for it.


Well... At least I'm not in denial....