When the wonder in his eyes were well worth the pricetag

Today was a hard day.

It was hard for me that is.

Seby got his ears today! He finally received his hearing aids and really I could not be happier about the results. And I think neither can he. He has been so vocal since they were put in at 9am. I wonder what they feel like, what he hears like, what it felt like for him not hearing well. I don't think they bother him, he hasn't pulled them out yet, but he is screeching in really high pitches, then giggles. I already feel the headache coming on, but I welcome it.

This was hard for me. It was hard for me to have this very obvious piece of equipment become a part of my son's life, a very outward noticeable set of devices that proves just how different he is.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, it feels almost selfish. But I have come to the realization that sometimes your feelings are just that. Selfish. And really, you can't help it. Some days you feel guilty, and guilt is usually not a rational feeling, unless you've done something to warrant it. I haven't. Well, this may not be a rational feeling, nor justified, but it's still there, and it's definitely there to stay for at least a few days.

Not a day goes by that I don't ask myself, "Why me?". Those of you who have a child with special needs I'm sure understand. You know you've reached a level of acceptance when you still ask that question, but no longer expect an answer.

I'm there.

But now that Seby can hear, those will probably be questions I no longer ask out loud, but whisper in my heart almost like a daily prayer to help me get through the harder days, like when he won't eat. Or when he's extremely fussy and he can't tell me why. Or the days where we have a number of appointments to get to in a minimal amount of time and we look at each other with this familiar question in our eyes that scream " MOM!!! What were you THINKING?!?".

Today is the day that my son now tells the world that he's different, without speaking a single word. And my heart breaks for him, because the world can be a real dick to a kid that's different. But who knows, maybe he'll follow in the same footsteps of the day he was born when he came out butt first and the Dr says, "Oh here he comes! Telling the world to kiss his butt!"

Well...that's my boy.